Improved Saying

You learn something new every year

Some people say you learn something new every day. I hate to be cynical, but I think we might be over-estimating people's capacity for change, and putting a little too much pressure on ourselves, no? So let's lower the bar:

"You learn something new every year."

Already learned something this year? You're good to go! Don't sweat the whole self-improvement/paying attention to life thing, buddy!

Six of the one, a dozen of the other

No-brainer, right?

Yah everybody knows the saying "Six on the one hand, a half-dozen on the other" but try my improved version and not only will you probably be more accurate, but people literally don't even notice. How's that for fun?!

So did YOU notice? "Six of the one, a dozen of the other." If you're comparing two options and this is how they look, then the choice is clear, right? Which is usually how things are, even if you don't realize it at first. You look back, and one choice was definitely the better one. You're welcome!

 

YOLO sucks, I say You Only Live Twice (#YOLT)

YOLT

YOLO sucks. It inspires 19-year-olds to make terrible decisions, and it makes the rest of us feel bad when we pass on those once-in-a-lifetime opportunities that seem to come up so often. So I say YOLT. You Only Live Twice! That gives you a lot more breathing room to make mistakes, to go easy on yourself if you fucked it up this time.

Unless this is already your second life, then you're fucked for good.

You're welcome!

It's all bridge under the water

I find that saying "It's all water under the bridge now" is not usually accurate. Because really, whatever it was, it was probably a bigger deal than that, and you are just lying to yourself if you say otherwise, right? So try this improved saying:

"It's all bridge under the water, now."

Which is to say, it's all fucked, and there's nothing we can do. For example:

"Yeah, we used to be super close, until he fucked me over, but that's all bridge under the water, now."

Let me know how this improves YOUR life!

Paralyzed from the neck up

Some people break their neck and are paralyzed from the neck down. That's horrible.

But some people are what I would call "Paralyzed from the neck up", i.e., they are walking around and doing stuff but their brain is stuck in dumbhead mode. Wake up, you! So when you are looking for a creative but not immediately obviously insulting way to describe, say, a dense cashier who doesn't understand why you're telling them they shorted you $10 change, and you go back to the car and your friend is like "What took so long?", you can say "Man, that cashier was paralyzed from the neck up. It was tragic." You're welcome!

The ceiling's the limit

Well obvy the original saying is "the sky's the limit," but I think that's naively optimistic. In general, your limits are much lower. Wouldn't it be better to be a little more realistic? In fact, I recently read that people who have low expectations are the happiest, so if you say "Whelp, the ceiling's the limit" but then find yourself in the sky by some lucky chance, well, imagine the elation!

Or you could think about it this way: in astronomical terms, limiting yourself to the sky is relatively pitiful--you could go much, much further. Ha!