You learn something new every year

Some people say you learn something new every day. I hate to be cynical, but I think we might be over-estimating people's capacity for change, and putting a little too much pressure on ourselves, no? So let's lower the bar:

"You learn something new every year."

Already learned something this year? You're good to go! Don't sweat the whole self-improvement/paying attention to life thing, buddy!

Tip of the Day: The Hobo Mocha

Bay leaf? Just because every legitimate recipe has a bay leaf, I guess

When you're really desperate for a mocha but don't have access, just try this: Make a regular coffee and throw some chocolate chips in! Yes, it's pretty disgusting, and the chocolate just ends up kind of lumped at the bottom. But just pretend you're riding the rails, not a care in the world (except basic survival), and some generous engineer has thrown some bits of chocolate in your face! It goes perfectly with beans and spam cooked right in their cans over a fire made from your dashed hopes and tattered soul

Your wife don't understand you, but I do

I transcribed this one a while ago. Now I've recorded my very own! I'm singing, you know, an octave lower than the original Simpsons song, which is pretty great. I've never seen whatever episode it's from, but I love the "Songs in the Key of Simpsons" CD and it's on there. I've never seen much Simpsons actually, but I love the music! Here are the chords and lyrics for yo asses!

Your Wife Don’t Understand You

You work all day for some old man
Sweatin’ break your back
Then you go home to your castle
But your queen won’t cut you slack

That’s why your losin’ all your hair
That’s why you’re overweight
That’s why you flipped your pick-up truck
Right off the interstate

There’s a lot of bull they hand you
There’s nothin’ you can do
     E7                A                D      B7
Your wife don’t understand you, but I do
        E                A               D    B7
No your wife don’t understand you, but I do
        E            A                D
I said no one understands you but I do

Six of the one, a dozen of the other

No-brainer, right?

Yah everybody knows the saying "Six on the one hand, a half-dozen on the other" but try my improved version and not only will you probably be more accurate, but people literally don't even notice. How's that for fun?!

So did YOU notice? "Six of the one, a dozen of the other." If you're comparing two options and this is how they look, then the choice is clear, right? Which is usually how things are, even if you don't realize it at first. You look back, and one choice was definitely the better one. You're welcome!


LA Times the song

Los Angeles = Rilakkuma bear iPhone cover with citrus

Here's a li'l ditty I composed when I was visiting LA for the first time. I think it does a good job of evoking that toddling town. I made it in Garageband on the iPad, which I have such a love/hate relationship with. On the one hand, I love it! On the other hand, I totally hate it. Alas!

YOLO sucks, I say You Only Live Twice (#YOLT)


YOLO sucks. It inspires 19-year-olds to make terrible decisions, and it makes the rest of us feel bad when we pass on those once-in-a-lifetime opportunities that seem to come up so often. So I say YOLT. You Only Live Twice! That gives you a lot more breathing room to make mistakes, to go easy on yourself if you fucked it up this time.

Unless this is already your second life, then you're fucked for good.

You're welcome!

"Gutbomb" free desktop background!!


I love you guys, so I like to give you things. You can usually download my songs for free, and now you can get free desktop backgrounds, too! This one was my breakfast this morning. I accidentally on purpose left a crapload of bacon grease in the pan when I made scrambled eggs, and it was such a gutbomb we almost puked. My pain is your gain! You're welcome!

To download the fullsize image, just click on it to enlarge it, then right-click (control click on a mac) and select "save as". Then set it as your background right away!

Alternatively, choose the image below for a less gutbomby and more Warholy vibe:

Warhol Gutbomb

It's all bridge under the water

I find that saying "It's all water under the bridge now" is not usually accurate. Because really, whatever it was, it was probably a bigger deal than that, and you are just lying to yourself if you say otherwise, right? So try this improved saying:

"It's all bridge under the water, now."

Which is to say, it's all fucked, and there's nothing we can do. For example:

"Yeah, we used to be super close, until he fucked me over, but that's all bridge under the water, now."

Let me know how this improves YOUR life!

Guitar Hero interrupted

Look, I'm sorry to make this blog an archive of sorts, but honestly, I recently gathered together and listened to all of the recordings I've made since I got my first 4-track in 1997, and there are 900 of them, only about 50 of which have ever made it into the ears of another human. So from time to time, you are going to get a taste of oldie-but-goodies!

This one I wrote in 2007 when Guitar Hero was all the rage, and it features a kid who doesn't want to stop playing when his mom comes to pick him up at his friend's house.


Noseflute roundup

Time again for the Noseflute Roundup! For those who wallow in ignorance, I shall enlighten you: The nose flute is not some sexual euphemism, it is a piece of plastic you press to your face for aural pleasure. Er, that is, it's a nose-powered musical instrument whose pitch is controlled by your lips. It's basically a kazoo alternative.

The essence of noseflute. Photo credit:

The essence of noseflute. Photo credit:

It wasn't always thus. There have been other nose flutes throughout history, like this amazing fellow:

Let the nose flute just flow through you, man. Photo credit: Oliver Neeler

Let the nose flute just flow through you, man. Photo credit: Oliver Neeler

You can find ancient nose flute traditons around the Pacific Rim, in China, India and Africa. And now, what may be the pinnacle of nose flute achievement is here: an innocent teenage girl rockin' out with a ukelele and a nose flute strapped to her face like Hannibal Lecter. This is epic. This video should have 80 million views on youtube!

Enthusiastic performance of McFly's song 'Obviously', played on the nose flute and Ukulele.

Paralyzed from the neck up

Some people break their neck and are paralyzed from the neck down. That's horrible.

But some people are what I would call "Paralyzed from the neck up", i.e., they are walking around and doing stuff but their brain is stuck in dumbhead mode. Wake up, you! So when you are looking for a creative but not immediately obviously insulting way to describe, say, a dense cashier who doesn't understand why you're telling them they shorted you $10 change, and you go back to the car and your friend is like "What took so long?", you can say "Man, that cashier was paralyzed from the neck up. It was tragic." You're welcome!